I think my little brother is making a big mistake. Can I tell him how I feel?

Dear Grace,

My little brother is 20 years old and lives with my mom. He’s a really good kid, but kind of lost. I live close by and go to their place a lot. Anyway, my mom just told me he’s thinking about quitting his stable job to work for ICE. Regardless of your political beliefs, I don’t want my baby brother to get involved with that mess. I’ve seen mixed messages on social media, but overall, it looks dangerous and chaotic.

My mom said that I need to let him make his own choices, but he’s my baby brother, and I love him. What do you think? Is joining ICE a good career move for him? Am I worrying over nothing?

– Worried Big Sister in South Carolina

Dear Worried Big Sister,

Let me say right away—you’re not worrying over nothing. You clearly love your brother, and you want him safe and fulfilled. Plenty of women all over the country have to stomach the worry that comes with having a loved one with a dangerous job. But your gut is right. This isn’t a regular dangerous job, like being an electrician, a police officer, a construction worker, or serving in the military. Working for ICE would be a different level of chaos and danger. I understand why you are concerned. Here is my advice on how to think this through:

Know that we are all working with different information.

The first step to having a conversation with your brother is understanding his perspective. As you’ve said, ICE is on TV and social media a lot. From recruitment ads promising young men sign-up bonuses, to news reports of officers detaining the parents of young children without cause. With so many voices speaking their opinions so loudly, it can be hard to find the truth. The images and stories that your brother is seeing about ICE on TV and his phone are probably pretty different from what you are seeing. There are a lot of myths out there, and I wasn’t sure what from social media was fact and what was fiction. But I really wanted to give you advice you could use, so I did a lot of reading and found a few truths to help you ground yourself:

• Myth: ICE only detains dangerous criminals.
  • Truth: ICE is now mostly detaining people who have never committed a crime, including children, the elderly, and pregnant women.
• Myth: ICE only focuses on immigration enforcement and securing the border.
  • Truth: The job description has been changing drastically in the past few months alone, based on the changing priorities of lawmakers. ICE officers have been expected to travel at a moment’s notice, perform new duties without training, and get involved in clashes with protestors. Problems within the agency have led to some scary situations, including ICE officers shooting and killing people, like this 23-year-old American citizen.
• Myth: ICE is a great job with good hours, pay, and benefits.
  • Truth: Current officers are working long hours and getting burnt out, and the fine print means if you don’t stay long enough, you’ll actually owe them your bonus back. Officers face pressure to meet arrest quotas, so they are arresting people who they know pose no threat.

Have a conversation with your brother about his desire to join ICE.

If your brother is considering leaving his stable job for a much more dangerous and chaotic job, something must be going on. You clearly love him, and with some thoughtful questions and good listening, you may be able to get to the bottom of what he is going through. As his sister, you can help him think through this major decision. 

Ask him questions like:

• What does he like about his current job?
• What has he seen or read about ICE that gives him pause?
• What concerns does he have about moving to this career?
• What are his long-term career goals?

Big life choices are much easier to navigate when we have a family member to help us think them through. By talking it through with him, you’re helping your brother think through every angle and make an informed decision. Maybe he is looking for a career with better pay, or one that allows him to help people, or one where he can bond with other guys. Once he gets clearer on what is missing from his current job, he can find other opportunities that scratch that itch without putting himself and others in harm’s way.  

If someone we love is putting themselves or others in harm’s way, we can and should speak up.

If, after some reflection and conversation on his career goals, your brother still wants to join ICE, tell him you are worried. Regardless of your politics, we all want the young men we love to find careers that bring them stability and fulfillment. Being an ICE officer would not only put your brother in highly chaotic situations, but he would also be asked to carry out actions that might make his stomach drop, like separating children from their mothers who did nothing wrong. 

If it were my son, I would be worried for his mental health after having to carry out orders that put children in harm’s way. I would be worried about him working long hours in messy situations without adequate training. And I would worry that because the job description of an ICE officer is constantly changing, he would get locked into a career that just isn’t right. 

Telling your brother that you are worried about his mental health and future in a career like that isn’t overbearing. No matter your politics, if someone we love is about to take a job that will have long hours, inadequate training, and increasingly violent duties, we can and should speak up. 

When someone we love is considering making a decision that we disagree with, it’s easy to tell ourselves to keep quiet and let them live. As women, we have been taught to keep our opinions to ourselves. But we have also been taught to care for and protect the ones we love.

So lead with your love for him, Worried Big Sister, and speak up with curiosity, concern, and compassion. Talking to your brother will help you understand where he is coming from and may help him discover what he truly wants. We live in crazy times, and I’d hate to think of you and your mom worrying about what he is doing at work all day—on top of everything else you have to worry about. I hope you find the strength to speak up, and he finds the strength to really listen to you.

Wishing you well,

Grace