My friend’s husband has been cheating on her for over a year. Do I tell her or stay out of it?

Dear Grace,

My friend’s husband has been cheating on her for a year. I pretend I don’t know about the affair when we get together for barbecues or dinners, but she’s my friend and it doesn’t feel good to keep this a secret. Should I tell her about her husband’s mistress or leave it alone?

– Stuck in the Middle, Somewhere in America

Dear Stuck,

You’re certainly stuck in a tough spot. If you’re like me, you’ve probably already lost sleep over whether to speak up or keep quiet. 

Having both your and her best interests at heart, I think yes, you should tell her. It’s not healthy for you or for your friendship in the long-run to keep this secret. You didn’t choose to be put in this position, and it’s terrible that you are; but you’re here now and I believe honesty is the best way forward. No matter what happens, you’re no longer forced to be “stuck” with the burden of a secret. 

Here are some helpful tips for telling your friend the truth, while doing your best to protect the friendship as you do.

Pick the right time and place.

Find a time and a place that’s good for you both to talk. Make sure it is private and comfortable. Maybe invite her over one day when you know your family will be out, so you don’t worry about being interrupted. The conversation will be painful enough, don’t let the environment you’re in contribute to your friend’s discomfort.

Stick to the facts.

Lay out what you know and how you know it as directly and clearly as possible. Be gentle, but don’t beat around the bush. You could say something like, “I’m sorry but I have to tell you something shocking, but I feel you should know.” Share what you know, but don’t rag on her husband. Regardless of how you may feel about him (or how warranted those feelings are) keep your opinion to yourself. At best it won’t be helpful and at worst it may seem like you have an agenda. Plus, if she chooses to stay with him, knowing how you feel about him will put a further strain on your friendship—and at a time when she needs you the most.

Be supportive, no matter how she responds.

Even if she already suspects, being confronted with this information may leave her feeling exposed and vulnerable. She may “shoot the messenger” and lash out at you, blame you for not telling her sooner, or even retreat to some denial and tell you why you must be wrong. Remember that it’s not about you and it will most likely be temporary as she works through the stages of grief, although that could take time. As she processes the news, she might need someone to talk to, a safe place to stay for a few days, or help getting in touch with an attorney. No matter what she wants to do, show her that you’ve got her back. 

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Stuck, but I can tell from your question that you’re a good friend. You’ve got a tough conversation ahead, but I hope my advice leaves you feeling a little more confident and prepared for whatever lies ahead. We all rely on friends to look out for us and hold us up–with love, and occasionally, hard truths. Sending all my love, you’ve got this!   

With love and support,

Grace