My husband has ADHD and struggles to clean up after himself. It’s impacting our marriage. What should we do?
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Dear Grace,
My husband has ADHD, and he is quite aware of it. The thing is, my husband doesn’t pick up after himself, like at all. He works on a project, makes a mess while doing it, and leaves everything scattered around. He doesn’t even put away his expensive tools half the time. I ask him to clean up after himself when he is done, but nothing gets cleaned up. Then I beg and plead, and then it becomes an argument about him cleaning up after himself. And then, when the dust settles, I am the one left cleaning up his messes, all the time.
Our kids notice this, and now they are following in their dad’s footsteps, because he has set that example. How do I get him to understand the importance of cleaning up after himself and get him to clean up after himself?
We have been married for 17 years and together for 20, and it has only gotten worse as time goes along. I feel like I am beating my head into a wall with this. Your advice would be great.
– Wife, Mom & now Maid in McGill
Dear Wife, Mom & now Maid,
Whew—this sounds incredibly frustrating, and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling worn out. You’ve been carrying a heavy load for a long time, and it’s not just about the dirty dishes or scattered tools—it’s about the feeling that your needs, your time, and your efforts aren’t being respected. That wears on a person. You, your husband, and your children all deserve a peaceful home that works for each of your specific needs. Clearly, something has to change. Here are a few tips for how to work toward a new reality:
Have a calm conversation with your husband about how you can tackle this issue as a family.
First things first: your husband’s ADHD is real, and he is not alone in struggling to clean up after himself—but it does not mean he’s off the hook. It’s time for a calm, honest conversation about what’s happening and how it’s affecting you and your kids. Not in the middle of an argument, but when you both have the space to really listen. Make it clear that this isn’t about blame—it’s about building a home where everyone, including him, feels respected and responsible. Remind him that keeping a home isn’t just “your” job—it’s a family project, and it matters because your kids are watching and learning.
Do some research together on ADHD-friendly ways to organize your home.
The good news is that there are lots of tools and tips out there for organizing a home with ADHD in mind. From labeled bins to visual cues to “reset” zones, there are strategies that can help your husband succeed—without relying on you to be the clean-up crew. I’d suggest you do some reading together (CHADD.org and HowToADHD on YouTube are great starting points) and choose a few new systems to try. Then, involve the kids! Let them help rearrange the space or decorate labels. This gives everyone ownership, and it sets the tone that everyone—kids and grown-ups—has a role to play in keeping things tidy.
Give each other grace and check in as a family.
Once you’ve set up new systems, make space for regular family check-ins. Talk together about what’s working and what’s not, and make adjustments as a team. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Change takes time, and grace goes a long way. When things fall through the cracks (as they sometimes will), take a breath and try again. A few minutes of conversation every week can prevent years of resentment down the road.
ADHD can make daily tasks harder, and what’s easy for you might be truly overwhelming for your husband—but that doesn’t mean your needs can be dismissed. And it certainly doesn’t mean you should be stuck in the role of the maid. You’re a wife, a mother, and a person who deserves rest, respect, and a clean surface to eat dinner on. I hope your family finds a new rhythm that works better for everyone—with more balance, more support, and a few fewer power tools lying around!
Warmly,
Grace
