My husband says he’s too old for sex, but I still have needs. What should I do?

Dear Grace,

My husband just turned 50, and I am 42. I am pre-menopausal, but he doesn’t want to have sex very often. He says because of his age, being tired, and being overweight. I am tired and overweight, but I still want to have sex with him. I love him. I am still attracted to him. It makes me think He isn’t attracted to me. Is it because I’m overweight? Am I wrong to still want to make love to him, or should I wait till he is comfortable?

– Needing Intimacy in Norman

Dear Needing,

Let me get straight to the point—no and no! Decreased libido can happen for all kinds of reasons and being attracted to your husband (at any age) is a good thing! You are not wrong for desiring him and for wanting a fulfilling sex life. Plenty of women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond still want connection in the bedroom, regardless of body size.

I get dozens of questions every week asking about this…many women (both pre- and post- menopause) still feel sexual desire for husbands or romantic partners who are slowing down as they age. Fortunately, there is nothing a conversation can’t handle. Here are some suggestions for how you and your husband can get your mojo back:

Talk to your husband about desire.

There are two types of sexual desire. Some people have spontaneous desire, which means all of a sudden they feel drawn to or attracted to someone. Other people (maybe your husband?) have responsive desire, which means that they won’t get“in the mood” out of the blue—they have to work up to it slowly. Talk with your husband about why intimacy is important to you, how you experience desire, and ask him questions about how he experiences it. Talking about desire can be a bit scary…but it can also be sexy! Check out these tips from the Gottman Institute for how to make these conversations a bit easier.

Sex changes as we age.

As we get older, it’s true that libido can change. But that doesn’t mean your sex life has to be completely over. As we get older and our bodies change, we might need more tools to help us be intimate such as lubrication, medication for ED, or supportive bedding for different positions. In your wedding vows, you promised to be with each other forever…that includes as your bodies age! Gaining weight, losing mobility, or feeling different down there might make you or your husband self-conscious, but it’s nothing you can’t work through. Plenty of elderly, tired, or overweight folks have fulfilling sex lives!

• Pro Tip: Although it is common for folks to experience a change in their libido as they age, a dramatic drop in the ability to feel desire at all might be a red flag. Encourage your husband to talk to his doctor if he’s felt a BIG change, as there could be an underlying health issue.

Meet each other halfway.

It sounds like for you, sex is a way to experience intimacy with your husband and experience sexual fulfillment for yourself. You’re not alone in wanting to end a dry spell in your marriage, but it might take some time to find the new normal. Experiment with finding sexual fulfillment and intimacy with your husband in new ways. For example, there are plenty of ways to feel sexually fulfilled without a partner (*cough cough* maybe a toy? *cough cough*). There are also plenty of ways to feel intimate with a partner without sex, like cuddling, kissing, or other kinds of physical affection. What is the compromise where you feel fulfilled and taken care of, and your husband’s boundaries are also respected?

You are not in the wrong for wanting your husband to find you attractive and for longing for intimacy with him, Needing. It speaks to how much you love each other and what a good place your relationship is in! I have no doubt that with some courageous conversation, the two of you can find a rhythm that works for you both.

Love,

Grace