My kids are out of the house, but not out of my bank account. How do I get them to fly the $$$ nest?

Dear Grace,

I know I’m not alone in this but I am so very tired of being tired and broke. I realize I am more blessed than most. I have a good job, own my home (have a decent mortgage to go with it) and have no debt. The issue for me is I am single (divorced 13 years ago) and still financially helping my three adult daughters. Failure to launch is no joke. Sometimes I feel responsible. I tried to give my daughters the help my parents never gave me, and I possibly over compensated for an absent father. My daughters, 21, 22 and 30 are all fortunately working but not in careers with any growth potential. The 30 yr old has finished a trade school, worked for a few years then decided to go back to college. So that’s great right? Well yes and no, now I’m helping her with more expenses since she has to focus on school. I know I created this mess and have a ton of mom guilt. My question is how do I help my girls become more confident and independent?

– It’s me, Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me. In Texas

Dear I’m the Problem,

It’s beautiful to hear how hard you have worked towards your children’s growth. The aspirations that you hold for them are what any mother would want for her kids–to see them become independent, confident and capable. But as you mentioned, failure to launch is a real phenomenon, and it comes with a serving of guilt, helplessness, and a limit to your own financial freedom.

Let’s see how we can fix that.

Audit your expenses. If you wait for your daughters to press pause on the cash flow, you’ll be stuck here for a while. Instead, take the initiative and figure out the dollar amount that you can afford to give to support them without elevating your stress level or finding yourself in financial “trouble, trouble, trouble.” How far off is that number from what you’re currently shelling out? Come up with a timeline for getting your support under control to encourage your daughters to be resourceful and fly the financial coop. 

Call a family meeting. Ask your daughters to join you for a conversation about your support and how to move forward together. Share what you are comfortable giving to support them and what you need them to take on themselves. Hearing that you’re scaling back how much you give them may bring up some big feelings, but hold tight to your boundaries. Setting clear expectations now will help your daughters stand on their own two feet in the future. 

Show them you understand their concerns by reflecting what you hear, like “I can hear that you’re worried about having to pick up more hours on top of going to school.” Then help them brainstorm and problem solve on ways to save or make some extra cash. They might look for cheaper places to live, negotiate bills through Bill Shark, pick up some gig work from Rover or Instacart, or work out ways to help each other out. 

Be a (firm) cheerleader.  A family meeting is a great start, but cultivating your daughters’ independence will take time. Stick with your financial boundaries, but remember to show your girls how much you care. As they strike out (a little more) on their own, they’re going to hit bumps in the road. Watching our kids make mistakes is a special kind of challenge for all parents, but trust that you raised strong, resilient young women who can handle it. Seeing that you believe in them will help them to believe in themselves.  

You may think you’re the problem, but I disagree–you might just be the solution. I hope this advice helps you reclaim the freedom you deserve and set a strong example for your daughters. 

I’m crossing my fingers for you all.

<3, 

Grace