My parents’ green card is delayed, and now they can’t come to my wedding. I’m devastated. What should I do?

Dear Grace,

I am marrying the love of my life in a couple of months! Until now, everything has gone perfectly, and I’ve been SO excited. We are writing our own vows, we love our venue, and my sister and I DIYed a bunch of the signs and table settings.

The only major issue is that now, I don’t think my parents can come. My sister and I are both citizens, but my parents have not become citizens yet after immigrating here. My whole life, I have watched them balance working full-time and raising us with immigration interviews and doing mountains of paperwork late into the night. 

Last month, my mom and dad had to go back to their home country because my Grandma was getting surgery and needed help, but now their green card process is delayed, and they can’t come back until they get new papers. This could take months or years. This wasn’t supposed to happen, their lawyer told them it would be fine.

I’ve been crying ever since they told me. My mom was supposed to give a speech. My dad was supposed to walk me down the aisle. If they can’t be there, it won’t be right. My fiancé has been really nice and supportive, but he can’t fix it. 

Should we cancel the wedding? I don’t know what to do.

– Devastated Bride-To-Be, West Texas

Dear Devastated,

Oh friend, I am so sorry you’re going through this. Planning a wedding is hard enough—sticking to a budget, choosing the right cake, managing family drama. And now, on top of everything, you’re being told your parents might not be able to come because of some immigration red tape? That’s just plain heartbreaking and unfair. At the end of the day, weddings are supposed to be full of joy, not bad news and government paperwork. 

Let’s take this one step at a time so we can figure out how to keep your heart in the day.

It’s okay to fall apart a little.

Your parents not being able to come to your wedding is devastating, Devastated. Dreaming of your father walking you down the aisle and your mom giving a speech, only to find out that you’re being kept apart by immigration paperwork, is heartbreaking. So tend to your broken heart. If you need to call in sick to work, do that. If you need to put the wedding planning on pause and spend a day on the couch with a pint of ice cream, do that. Let yourself feel your feelings.

Also, know that you’re not alone. Tens of millions of Americans have parents who were born somewhere else and came to the U.S. for a better life. Millions of kids grew up watching their families navigate the system, just like you did: keeping track of all the documents, showing up to court dates, and waiting with bated breath for good news. 

So many families across this country are dealing with the same thing—loving parents who have done everything right, but still get tangled up in immigration red tape. The system is confusing, it’s slow, and honestly, it’s often just plain cruel. You’re not the only daughter feeling this kind of ache, and knowing that might not fix things—but it might help you feel less alone. Folks across the country have been in your shoes, wishing the immigration rules weren’t keeping them apart from their loved ones.

Take a breath and gather your people.

After the tears (and maybe a good meal and a nap), talk to your team. Your sister, your fiancé, maybe a best friend—whoever is in your corner. Let them know where your head is at and ask them to help you think things through.

Then, check in with the wedding folks. If you have a coordinator, call them. If not, reach out to your venue and vendors. Ask: “If we had to reschedule, what would that look like?” Don’t feel like you have to decide right now—you’re just collecting the info. Having the facts will give you some power back, and right now, I bet that’d feel good.

Let your partner be your rock.

Marriage is all about weathering storms together, and you’re getting your first big one a little early. That’s okay. Sit down with your fiancé and talk it out. Tell him what this means to you. Let him show up for you. This could be the moment where the two of you figure out your next move—together.

Maybe that means picking a new date. Maybe you keep the wedding but plan a second celebration when your parents are back. Maybe your parents send in a video message or FaceTime in live. Or maybe you travel to your Grandma’s for a visit and throw a small party there, too. None of these are perfect fixes, but they’re ways to keep your love—and your family—at the center of it all.

Devastated, my heart breaks for you. This is unfair, and it should not be happening. You deserve the wedding day of your dreams, with ALL of your family present. But I know this: your parents love you, your fiancé loves you, and this wedding—whenever and however it happens—is still going to be full of that love.

Take your time. Feel the pain. Then start figuring out what feels right. You’ve got people who will help you carry this.

Love,

Grace