Recently, I’m more of a referee than a mom. How do I get some peace in my house?

Dear Grace,

I have a 9-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son and I have trouble connecting with them. It didn’t seem hard at all when they were younger because I was always just taking care of them, but now it seems like I spend more time fussing at them to listen and playing ref because they’re fighting instead of enjoying the time that we have together. Should I split them up and try one on one time with each of them instead of having them together? Luckily my in-laws live close and they will take one while I keep the other if needed. They are such lifesavers! I know I would’ve lost my mind a long time ago without them. I can’t wait to hear some ideas you might have to turn this situation around!

– Referee in Riverside

Dear Referee,

Mom to Mom: This is such a relatable problem. I really admire your desire for a more quality relationship with your kids, and your initiative in trying to get there. Your family is lucky to have such a thoughtful mom and role model. 

As I was reading your question, I also felt such a rush of gratitude for the support system that your in-laws provide for you and your kids. Every parent should have access to people they trust to step in and help out, whether that’s grandparents, good neighbors, or daycare providers. Raising a child (particularly in 2024) really does take a village.

Your instincts are spot on. Here’s some further thoughts and ways to implement them: 

One-on-one time. This is a great idea! (Maybe you should write a column. . . ) And having in-laws who are close and want to help is such a blessing. Being able to spend time with each child will ensure your time together is conflict-free for both of you. Plus, this is a great way to work around their age gap. The older child is approaching double digits (and soon ‘tween years) while the younger one is just starting Kindergarten. Time alone with each of them will give you a chance to tailor the activities so that your older child doesn’t feel held back or your younger one left out.

Practice family rituals. Whether it’s a movie night, weekly outing, or game night, consistent rituals can give you both a fun diversion and a little structure for when you’re all together.

You can alternate which child chooses the game or movie, so that both kids get a chance to feel they’re being heard. You could also use these activities to keep them in line throughout the week: No time outs could earn them an extra half hour of gameplay, or a treat on the outing. 

Rituals don’t always have to be special events, Referee. Think about ways that you can get your kids more involved in daily tasks, like making dinner or preparing lunches for school. Giving them a creative task like this gets them working towards a shared goal and something to feel proud of and enjoy when they’re done. Not to mention, teaching your kids their way around the kitchen could save you some time and energy down the road. Turning your time together into a special event can help you create meaningful moments for memories. 

Consult the experts. You are not alone. Parents all over the world have struggled with this same issue, Referee. But none of us know everything. Luckily, we have experts to help us out. Take a look at some of the tips that child psychologists recommend to help you create (and keep) the peace. And don’t be shy about reaching out to experts closer to home, whether it’s a trusted and experienced friend, a teacher or counselor at school, or even a therapist of your own. It doesn’t have to be a crisis for you to get some practical tips and support. 

Lastly, try to take some one-on-one time for yourself, too. Being able to decompress and do something that’s just for you will allow you to be present and engaged with them. 

With love and support,

Grace