Should I vote with my husband?

Dear Grace,

Over the past few years, my political views and my husband’s have sort of started to separate. I’m considering voting differently this year than him for the first time but I feel kind of torn about it. I don’t really know anyone who has a “split” household anymore. Should we try to stay a ‘united front’ or is it okay to vote my own way?

– Independent? in Iowa

Dear Independent(?),

I’m so happy that you wrote in and shared this question with us. While it might seem like you’re on an island or the only one with a “split household” this year, I promise that there are plenty of people pondering the very same thing. More readers than ever have been writing in to ask for advice navigating political differences with loved ones—spouses included.

So, Independent, let me answer you loud and clear: It’s totally okay to vote differently than your spouse, partner, or really anyone in your family or community. Your vote is a representation of your voice, not your household or your family. While it can be nice to be totally on the same page with our spouses, there’s nothing wrong with a difference of opinion! Voting differently than your spouse doesn’t make your marriage or your bond any weaker. 

Your question really got me thinking, Independent. Here are a few thoughts that I hope can help you feel more grounded as you get ready to vote this fall:

Remember what you share. It’s true that split party households or relationships feel pretty rare these days. But the key here, Independent, is that a difference in politics doesn’t necessarily mean a difference in our core values, which is really what a healthy relationship is built on. I understand worrying about the kind of rift that could develop if you two officially part ways in politics, but I don’t think that voting differently means that your goals for your community or your country aren’t compatible. Take a moment to remember what you and your husband agree on, and you may find yourself more at ease. 

It’s okay to change your mind. It sounds like your political ideas have been evolving over the past few years, which is totally normal. How you feel about an issue isn’t something you think about once, write in stone, and then never reconsider. Your opinion is a reflection of your experiences, the world you’re living in, and the information you have. With time, the world around us changes, we get new information, and experience things that we may never have before—it’s normal and healthy that our views would shift in response! 

Trust that your vote is private. At the end of the day, you don’t have to disclose your vote choice to anyone. It sounds like you’re mostly concerned about navigating a “split household” dynamic, but I know that there are other women out there who worry about fallout at home if their husbands find out that they’ve voted a certain way. The good news is, that while the record of whether or not you voted is public, your choice of candidate or party is totally sealed. If your husband (or anyone, really) asks who you voted for, just remind them that “what happens in the voting booth, stays in the voting booth.”

It’s true that, as a country, we experience elections together. We talk about the candidates online, watch debates, and all get overwhelmed with advertisements advocating for so-and-so or such-and-such. But all of this is the lead up to what is fundamentally a personal decision and your individual civic duty. I hope my thoughts help you feel a little better about voting for the candidate and platform you believe in, regardless of how it lines up with your husband’s choice. 

Wishing you all the best!

Grace