Valentine’s Day Special: Dating & Relationships Advice
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Dear Readers,
Happy Valentine’s Day! Whether you are planning a romantic dinner with your honey, celebrating Galentine’s day with your friends at brunch, or eating ice cream and crying to old rom-coms, I hope that your Valentine’s Day celebration is everything you need.
Every week, I get hundreds of questions about love and romance. So many of you are giving love your best shot—whether that means looking for love, working through challenges in your relationship, or keeping the spark alive long-term.
So for Valentine’s Day this year, I’ve decided to answer a few of the most common questions I get in one column. Enjoy!
Love,
Grace
Is a big age gap a deal breaker?
Dear Grace,
In the past year, I started dating a new guy. Our personalities really mesh and I love him but I haven’t told my parents or adult children because he is half my age and I know they would freak out. I think this relationship could be really special but do you think the age difference is a deal-breaker?
– Crazy in Love, Kansas
Dear Crazy in Love,
I get questions like this all the time—both from women dating younger men and women dating older men. Age gaps only give me pause because I worry that the couple doesn’t want the same things, doesn’t feel equal, or can’t find common ground. It sounds like you have found common ground, so let’s talk about those other two.
- Make sure you both are on the same page about your future. Do you want a long-term commitment? Is he ready for that? Check out my advice to this reader who found herself in a relationship with someone who didn’t want the same things as her long term.
- Talk to him about the age difference. In any relationship with an age difference, sometimes it can result in a feeling of one person in the pair being in charge, with the other just along for the ride. Talk to each other about how to make sure the relationship is fully equal, where you each have a say.
- Ask your family and friends what they think of him. Your partner meeting your loved ones is an important step. Even if you don’t like their reaction, part of figuring out if you want to be together long term will be seeing how he fits into your family and community. If your friends or family have anything negative to say about him, talk it through with them (like I told this reader to do) so you can understand what they are trying to protect you from.
Falling for someone you didn’t expect can be stressful and letting in someone new can be scary. Age doesn’t have to be the reason why a relationship can’t work but it does point to some possible challenges that you should get ahead of.
Best of Luck,
Grace
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Dear Grace,
Should I forgive my partner for cheating? If he did it once, will he do it again?
– Resentful in Rockwood, TN
Dear Resentful,
I’m so sorry that your partner cheated on you. A loved one breaking our trust is incredibly painful and can take a long time to heal from. You know your own boundaries best and only you can decide if you’d like to stay with your partner and work it out or if the trust can’t be repaired. Here are some questions I have for you:
- How was the relationship for each of you before the cheating? Reflect on whether your partner was giving you the time, attention, care, and support you wanted before this happened. Ask your partner how they felt the relationship was going before the affair. This conversation will help you understand if your relationship is worth fighting for or if it was already struggling before this happened.
- Is this a pattern? There are so many ways that trust can be broken. This reader shared that her partner broke her trust by watching porn behind her back. This reader shared that her husband broke her trust by never getting over his ex or deleting her phone number. Zoom out and think about if your partner has created a pattern of breaking your trust. There’s a big difference between a pattern of lying and a one-time mistake or a full-blown affair and a kiss.
- How can you re-build? Clearly he has violated your boundaries. If the two of you decide to stay together, you will need to find ways to rebuild respect and trust for each other. Spend some time thinking about what your boundaries would be in this new normal and what changes you would need to see from your partner in order to feel secure in the relationship.
Being cheated on is a horrible betrayal, but like so much of what we talk about here, it isn’t black and white. There are shades of gray and only you can decide if the trust that was broken can be rebuilt.
Good luck,
Grace
How do I find love offline?
Dear Grace,
I am a widow of 9 and a half years and I feel ready to move on to the next chapter and meet someone. The idea of meeting someone online makes me nervous. Do you have any suggestions for how to put myself out there without using online dating or apps?
– Actively Looking in Allentown, PA
Dear Actively Looking,
You can absolutely meet someone without using online dating or apps. A lot of my tips for meeting dates in real life are the same as making friends.
Here are a few ways to get started:
- Lean into your hobbies and interests. The more like-minded people you meet, the more likely it is that you will meet someone compatible to date. Do you love spending time outside? Join a bird-watching group! Do you like to read? Join a book club! Expand your circle by finding people who like the same things as you do.
- Tell your friends that you’re ready, and ask them to set you up. Your friends and family know you best and likely have some eligible bachelors in mind for you. Lean into blind dates!
- Reframe your goals. Many people date with the goal of finding love, but that can put a lot of pressure on you! Especially when you only recently decided you’re ready. Allow yourself to enjoy meeting new people without the expectation of finding your partner immediately. Adjust your goals to something like “learn more about myself” or “meet people I admire” rather than finding love right away.
I’m so excited for you that you will be getting back out there! For more on how folks who’ve been windowed can re-enter the dating scene, check out the advice readers gave to this widow.
You are beginning a brand new adventure, enjoy it!
With Love,
Grace
