I want my daughter to be more confident than I was. How do I break the cycle?

Dear Grace,

My 15 year old daughter just bought a new pair of jean shorts. Last week, when she was heading out to the neighborhood pool, my husband made a comment about her shorts giving people the wrong idea. They’re short, but not booty-short-short, so I really don’t see the issue. She looked so confused and hurt by the comment, it really broke my heart. I heard plenty of comments like that when I was growing up and don’t want my daughter to feel the same insecurities I dealt with. How can I talk to my husband about his comments? I want my daughter to know that she can trust both her parents to never judge her. 

-Distressed in Des Moines

Dear Distressed,

Some years back (ok, decades) when I was a teenager, I remember hearing comments about my appearance that left me crossing my arms, tugging at my shorts, and trying to disappear. What am I doing wrong? I wondered. That question was seared into my brain for years. It’s hard to overestimate the impact a few words can have, especially on a young person just learning how to navigate the world and come into their own. 

Before we get into my advice for talking to your husband, allow me to applaud the way you’re showing up for your daughter. There is only so much a girl can get from reading ‘Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret’ and we all know how important it is to build up confidence in girls from an early age.

Now, there is sadly nothing new about the discomfort and shame that many girls feel about their bodies and the way they dress. Last year, students and parents at a St. Johns County, Florida high school joined forces after learning that 90% of dress code violations were for girl students. It’s clear that dress codes can do much more harm than good when it comes to our young girls. But there’s no better time to update our expectations than the present. 

So let’s talk about Dad. How you approach him about his comments all depends on a few key details: Is this a pattern or more of a one time occurrence? Do you think he is aware of the impact his words have, or did he just write it off as a passing comment? Have you all discussed how you plan to parent your daughter as she grows into a young adult? There are lots of transitions ahead, and it’s important that you two are on the same page so you can be there for your child, and each other.

With all of that in mind, here is some advice to help the two of you problem solve:

Explain the impact. If this was the first time he made a comment about your daughter’s outfit, he may not realize its impact or why it made her (and you) uncomfortable. Share how these types of comments negatively affected you as a young woman and your goals for your own daughter—to grow up knowing that it’s what’s inside that counts and that she is in charge of her body. 

Explain to him how saying things like “giving people the wrong idea” sets your daughter up to feel responsible for others’ bad behavior rather than hold them accountable for it. Ask him about his concerns and remember we are all human and emotions are often the driver of our actions. He might need reassurance and a reminder that you’re both doing your best as parents.

Decide how to move forward. You all have a lot of changes and milestones ahead (driver’s license, dating, graduation, etc.), so consider how you plan to be effective parents and continue building a good relationship with your daughter. But don’t just take my advice, pediatricians and child psychologists suggest asking yourself a few questions next time you’re concerned about your daughter’s behavior: 

• Is this something your daughter can change? Is it important that she change it? If the answer is no, stop here. This is a live and let live situation.
• Does she want to change this behavior? If the answer is no, it’s unlikely that making a pointed comment will make much of a difference anyway. 
• Is there a better way to change this behavior? Verbal criticism is usually not the most effective way to achieve your goal and support your daughter. Instead ask questions to better understand how she feels.
  

Walk the walk. Our kids are sponges and soak up information even when it’s not directed at them. Your daughter will internalize the way she hears you both talk about other women and girls, so make sure that you stick to the same standards of respect no matter who you’re talking about. 

To sum it up, Distressed, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that you have the tools to talk to your husband and come together to support that great kid of yours. The bad news is that this won’t be the last sticky situation you run into. Your daughter is growing up, which means reshuffling your roles as parents so that you can be there for her in the way she needs. I have total confidence in you.

<3 Grace