Is my boyfriend being controlling or am I overreacting?

Dear Grace,

I’m having doubts about my boyfriend of 10 years and need to know if they’re justified. At this point, I know that he cares about me but I am not sure that he really loves me anymore or just doesn’t want to start over with someone else. Here’s why: 

He is very particular about how everything should be and is sure he is always right. Even the way I load the dishwasher is WRONG and he lectures me on how to do it right.

He also doesn’t like my friends and says they abuse me, even though these two women have been my true blue for over 15-20 years. He says if they don’t respect him or I or our relationship then they have no place in our lives. 

Last, he doesn’t show affection. Not even a kiss! For me, a kiss is the most intimate thing between two people.  If he’s “the one.” I should feel a kiss down to my toes. I guess I feel that we don’t have that connection even after all this time.

Am I reading too much into this, Grace?  I feel that I love him but there is just something missing. Please advise!

– Unsure in Utah

Dear Unsure,

Before we get into my advice—and some of my own questions for you, Unsure—let’s start with a basic relationship truth: while feelings and affection can change over time, you deserve to feel loved, safe, and valued in a relationship. Whenever a relationship is not making you feel those things, it’s time to reflect and do some problem solving.

And while we will all make mistakes in relationships, there is some behavior—especially when repeated–that signals an unhealthy dynamic. There are plenty of red flags that we could talk about, but your story had me thinking about one in particular that seems to already have your spidey senses tingling: 

Coming between you and your support system. The Spice Girls said it best: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Unfortunately, not everyone we love will love each other with as much enthusiasm. However, a partner constantly talking badly about your friends and keeping them at a distance is Red Flag behavior. In addition to asserting an unhealthy control over your life, it also pulls you away from the people you confide in and lean on. When we find ourselves isolated from family and friends, it can be harder to recognize, much less leave, an unhealthy relationship, and that’s what the person in control counts on. 

Keeping that in mind, here is my advice for you, Unsure: 

Identify what you need in a relationship. Not every relationship fumble or mistake spells DANGER, and your partner isn’t the only person to ever have a know-it-all streak. But a situation doesn’t have to be extreme to realize that you might not be compatible with someone long-term. If your boyfriend isn’t open to understanding how his comments impact you, then it sounds like he might not be the one. But only you can decide that. Take some time to think about what you truly need from a partner and whether he can give that to you. If your love language is physical touch, then it makes sense to pursue someone who likes snuggling up on the couch as much as you do. Being compatible with someone is about being willing and able to love them well, and you deserve that as much as any of us. 

Trust your gut. If you feel like something is wrong, you’re probably right. When I read through your doubts and what you’re missing, it seems this relationship is bringing you more heartache than joy. So often women end up doing the emotional heavy lifting in our relationships, whether with children, spouses or family members. While that can be fulfilling in certain instances, it can lead to a pattern of putting our needs last and feeling guilty when we feel differently than someone else.  Understand that your feelings are valid and no one gets to tell you they’re wrong, or make you feel guilty for knowing what you need.

There will always be challenges in a relationship, Unsure, but a healthy relationship is one where both parties can come together to grow and overcome whatever obstacles you face. I know that’s out there waiting for you, if not in this relationship, then the next. 

With love and best wishes, 

Grace