Ask The Readers: I’ve been widowed for 4 years now. How do I start dating again?
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Dear Readers,
I’ve been widowed for nearly 4 years and I think I’m finally ready for a relationship, but I don’t know how to get there. I don’t want to put myself on any dating sites or apps. I’m more of a homebody, but also open to going out from time to time.
What do other women like me DO?
– Getting Back Out There in Gainesville
Dear Getting Back Out There,
Thank you for being brave enough to ask the question on your heart. It turns out that lots of women have stood in your shoes and wondered the same thing: what does it look like to date after loss? How do I even find the dating pool?
Your fellow readers always amaze me with their sage advice, and this time was no different.
Here’s what they had to say:
“I am in the same place as you are. I lost my husband 2 years ago and I’m stuck. I’m usually a very outgoing and social person but I’m currently struggling with my self-esteem. With that being said, you have to put yourself out there in some capacity in order to meet someone— anyone! Try looking into the social app “Meetup” if you live somewhere that utilizes this. It’s a great way to make new friends, and get involved with different people and things that you may enjoy—and you may just meet someone that you are interested in dating. I like it because it’s not a dating site at all, so you don’t feel pressured to do anything else other than getting out of your comfort zone. What do you have to lose…except maybe your loneliness?”
“You didn’t mention your age, but I was widowed in my 20s with a 2 year old to raise. My advice is to get involved with your community, your local churches, and let your friends help you get the word out that you are ready to live again. Be sure and go to the hair salon. Many of us neglect getting our hair and nails done while we are in mourning. Pray that God will lead you to your next companion.”
“Don’t give up on dating sites just because of the stigma. Dating sites can really help you meet a new person you click with, and you just have to try. Share what you like and don’t like and see who you match with. From there you might go out and meet them, and even if there’s no chemistry, you’ll leave on happy terms knowing that you gave it a shot. You don’t have to tell anyone else if you don’t want to.”
“The dating world has changed in some ways but in others it is the same as it’s always been. If you are not up for dating apps then I’d suggest approaching people the old fashioned way—as you are out grocery shopping, running errands, going to events, be more mindful of who is around you and take the initiative to ask anyone of interest to coffee. If there are single events listed in your area on social media, you could bring a friend with you to attend. Remember to be patient—some that you approach will turn you down, but others will say ‘yes!’ It might take time to find a partner that fits your expectations and personality.”
“Going on dates won’t be easy the first few times, so remember to give yourself some grace if guilt creeps up on you for going back into the dating scene. Don’t go on too many dates too close together, you will need time to breathe. Knowing your boundaries is a big, big, big thing—hold tight to those. Your boundaries will keep the ones who will be bad for you away. If you decide to try a dating app, you should try Bumble. This allows you to send the first message should you be interested in someone, dating or friend. Good luck on your journey!”
“I am also widowed. I would suggest taking baby steps in getting to know men. Journaling about your needs and preferences helps to figure out what you’re really looking for. You aren’t going to replace your husband, so it’s good to set fresh expectations.”
“Have a small dinner party with a group of friends and ask each one to bring somebody with them that is available. Finding someone through someone you already know and trust is a great way to start dating without jumping into the dating pool headfirst.”
Whether dating apps, flirty trips to the grocery store, or dinner parties are in your future, Getting Back Out There, we’re wishing you our very best. Good luck—there is so much love ahead in your life!
The Readers
