BONUS! How do I shake this loneliness now that my kids are grown?

Dear Grace,

How do I shake being so lonely? I put so much into my kids, but now they are teenagers who are old enough to do their own thing. I work from home, but I don’t talk to my coworkers much. I never leave the house…I’m just working and doing chores alone. I hate who I am becoming! Help!!!

– Painfully Lonely in Pennsylvania

Hello again, Painfully Lonely,

I answered your letter last month, encouraging you to rediscover who you are outside of “mom.” I suggested taking classes at the local rec center or library, focusing on fitness and self-care, and picking up volunteering. All of which would get you out of the house and meeting possible new friends!

When I sent your question and my advice column out to readers, hundreds of women from across the country wrote back sharing that they have gone through similar seasons of loneliness. I asked them to give you their advice, and they delivered! Here are some of my favorites:

Reflect on who you were before you were “mom.”

• “Ah! The beginning of empty nest syndrome. I have been there, and it is hard. When it first started out, I felt a little resentment, sadness, and a total feeling of being lost. The first thing I did was journaling. Putting my feelings down and really looking into how I was feeling. Then I started thinking of who I was before I was a mother. I started picking up where I left off and began exploring hobbies from the past that I may enjoy, or adding new ones. I just started trying to fill a void!”

Get outside of your comfort zone.

• “I, too, am a work-from-home mom and have grown kids in their early 20’s. Know that it is not too late to reinvent yourself. Find out what you love doing. I spend time at church as well as in civic organizations to help my community. You could sign up at a preschool or elementary school to volunteer a few hours a week or a month. You’ll be surprised how this brings joy to your life. Teachers and schools are always looking for volunteers. Find out things happening in your hometown or city and go. Meet new people and just be in the moment. Get out of your comfort zone and try something you wouldn’t normally try, book club, wine tasting, or line dancing. Don’t overthink it, just do it. It’s okay if it doesn’t work the first time, try something else, until you find the thing that’s right for you.”

Join a group.

• “I am a mama of seven children, and I work from home, so I understand the loneliness. I joined a group on Facebook in my area, “Buffalo Besties.” We get together for book club, meet for coffee, go to the movies together, go hiking etc. My suggestion is to find a group or gain a new hobby or two… Go out there and make friends and find your joy in your journey! Yes, you are a mama, but you are also an adult woman who needs to feel needed and have fulfillment.“

Reconnect with old friends.

• “Make it your intention to further the relationships you already have in your life. Reach out to those girlfriends that you never seem to find time for, those colleagues, cousins, family members, and people that you’d like to get to know better. Put yourself out there, and people will show up for you.”

Bravely become the next version of yourself…for you, and for your kids!

• “I am in the same boat. Reading your story describes me to a tee. My kids are teens. I work from home, and I work in a completely different state than my coworkers.  Life got lonely but..I found a way to embrace it, and that is the exact advice I would give you: Try to remember what makes YOU happy. For me, that was reading books, drinking coffee, and spa time. I joined an online book club, I started experimenting with different coffee chains, and even started a Facebook group to help others share in their love of coffee! Lastly, I got into self-care. When my kids are busy, I plan time to go do one of MY hobbies, instead of chores. Oddly enough, my kids saw this independence, and they began asking questions. They wanted to know more and even join in the fun. In a way, it felt like they became more interested when I developed an identity outside of them. Now we get to share this too (when they aren’t wrapped up in teen things lol), and we are closer. I hope this helps!”

One thing is for sure: you are in a new chapter. Change is hard, especially when it involves giving our kids more space (what do you mean you don’t want me to tuck you in anymore!?!). But I’m excited for you. Also, so many readers said, this is a time of self-discovery, when you can really focus on yourself and what you want. What a gift! 

When my sons got their driver’s licenses as teenagers, I remember feeling a bit at a loose end. All of a sudden, after years of shuttling kids back and forth (from school to soccer practice, to home to soccer practice, to a birthday party to soccer practice), they didn’t need me to drive them anymore. I missed that time in the car with them, and that sense of purpose in getting them where they needed to go safely. But it opened up time for me to give to myself, my friends, my marriage, and my passions. I hope this time does that for you, too!

Love, 

Grace and the Readers