How do I have the sex talk with my son?
Dear Grace,
My parents never talked to me about sex and I don’t want to make the same choice with my son. How do I have “the talk” with him?
– Nervous in Nebraska
Dear Nervous,
Welcome to another of parenting’s challenges! As a fellow mom, I can really appreciate where you are coming from. We all learn so much from our parents, both about what we want to continue doing and what we hope to do differently. Good for you for recognizing how you want to show up for your son as he grows, and taking steps to prepare. Talking to kids about their bodies and sexuality isn’t necessarily second-nature but it doesn’t have to be the awkward or intimidating lecture that we’ve seen in the movies (or for some of us, real life).
When my own kids were young, I got great parenting advice from my friend, Kelly, whose son was older. Her advice really helped me find my way and even years later, I’m excited to pass some of it along to you, Nervous. It also helped me to stay focused on my goal: to make sure my kids grow up knowing that they are in charge of their bodies and help them understand how to be safe and healthy. I hear how important it is to handle this differently than your parents did, and I am sure you’re going to do fine.
Here’s my advice:
Remember it’s not one-and-done. “The talk” sounds like something you do once and then check off your list, but helping your son understand his body and safely navigate his sexuality as he gets older is actually a series of conversations that you’ll have together over years. For me, the idea that we have lots of time to figure things out together took the pressure off of getting everything exactly right in that one conversation. No matter how old he is now, there are age-appropriate conversations you can have with him to help him understand his body and how to stay safe.
Lead with questions. If you start out by telling your kid to ask you anything, you’ll likely be met with crickets. Instead, try asking your own questions about what he’s hearing from his friends, at school, online, etc. This is a good chance to figure out what he might be wondering about and set the record straight about things that he might have misunderstood. No matter what he asks, keep your tone even and casual, the most important thing you can do for your son is be there as a safe, judgment-free resource. If you aren’t in the habit of having this kind of open dialogue, start by making those types of conversations part of your routine–ask about friends, school, his hobbies, whatever he is willing to share. The more you two get comfortable sharing day to day, the easier it will be to approach tougher topics together.
Pro Tip: My friend Kelly suggested having these chats while driving in the car, so you don’t have to make direct eye contact (it’s easier on everyone, trust me).
Look to the experts. If a topic comes up that you’re uncomfortable addressing (for many parents, it’s things like pornography, masturbation, and sexuality), don’t stress! There are amazing age-appropriate guides from parenting and child psychology experts. Be honest with your son when you don’t know something and sit down to look it up together.
If you’re married or co-parenting, you could also sit down and read some of their expert advice with your partner or co-parent so that you’re on the same page when questions come up. The more you prepare, the better you will be able to guide your son without passing along any of the judgments or assumptions that you may have felt as a kid or teen.
For parents of teenage daughters, an extension of your talks will likely be making an appointment with a gynecologist. Treat this milestone like a healthy rite of passage and you’ll be setting her up to know her body well and advocate for the care she needs.
Pro Tip: Use the real names for body parts. It might feel awkward at first, but you’re setting your son up to understand his body better without any shame.
Not sure where to look for the best expert guidance? Here are some tried and true places to start:
Stay focused on safety. The goal of these chats is to help your son safely grow into a healthy, happy adult, which means making sure that he understands how to protect himself from health risks (STDs, unplanned pregnancies), any potential abuse, and even from the emotional toll that sexual relationships can leave. Keeping the same relaxed tone, talk to your son about how to make sure he is being safe and how to check in with another person to understand what they’re comfortable with.
While parts of this are only appropriate for kids above a certain age, talking to your child about consent and setting boundaries around what they are comfortable with should start early. Teach your son that he is in charge of who touches his body and that anytime someone doesn’t respect that, he should come talk to you. You can also model this back to him so that he learns to respect the choices other people make about their body. Check out this mom on Instagram who made a game with her son to teach him about body language and respecting friends’ boundaries.
I hope this advice is easing your stress, Nervous, and is helpful to all the other readers out there. The most important job we have as parents is keeping our kids safe and preparing them to be responsible, confident, happy, healthy adults. I have full confidence that your son’s experience is going to be very different from your own, Nervous. You’ve got this!
Love,
Grace