How do parents of young kids find the time and privacy to be intimate?

Dear Grace,

I married my hot husband 2 years ago. I have a 4-year-old son that is very active. I can’t make a move without my son being right next to me. My husband and I barely get any alone time together because of my son. I love my son, but I want time to be intimate!

How can I schedule some alone time with my hot husband?

– Unfortunately Abstinent in Arkansas

Dear Abstinent,

First, let me say this loud and clear: Your feelings are valid, and you are allowed to want private time—even as a mom! Wanting intimacy with your husband (especially such a hot one!) is normal and healthy. You deserve connection and fulfillment outside of your role as “mom.” So take a deep breath and let go of any guilt you might be carrying around about this.

Now, let’s be real—finding time and privacy when you have a very active 4-year-old is really difficult, and what you’re experiencing is completely normal. I remember going through this myself! The house was always full of noise, little hands, and little eyes. But I promise you: it does get easier! Here are concrete steps you can take to reclaim some of that alone time.

Tackle this as a team.

This isn’t only your job to figure out, so talk with your husband and get creative together. Think outside of the box: home isn’t the only location, the bed isn’t the only surface, and nighttime isn’t the only time you can connect. Brainstorming together can actually be fun and playful! And a gentle reminder: I know it can be hard as a mom to prioritize what you need, but doing so will make you a happier, more present parent. Let go of the mom guilt—you deserve this too.

Intimacy is more than just sex.

Don’t underestimate small moments of connection—a long hug, holding hands, a kiss hello and goodbye. Showing affection in front of your son isn’t something to hide…you’re showing him what a loving relationship looks like, and that’s a gift. Setting your goal as “more connection” rather than waiting for a perfect, uninterrupted (but usually still hurried) window of time takes the pressure off and makes those interruptions a lot easier to handle.

Build your son’s independence skills.

Start teaching your son about patience and the joy of independent play. Ease into it by using timers to help him transition to new activities or practice playing independently. You could try saying, “Mommy needs quiet time for 5 minutes. When the timer goes off, we’ll play together.” Start small and gradually work up. Set up a special toy bin or activity that only comes out during “quiet time.” Celebrate his independence when he plays on his own, and he’ll start to take pride in it. Over time, he will grow more confident and a little less attached at the hip.

Book regular activity time for your son.

Get intentional about building child-free windows into your schedule. Use playdates, daycare, community activities, or time with grandparents to create windows where you and your husband can truly be present with each other—without feeling rushed or bracing for an interruption. When you know your son is happily taken care of, it’s so much easier to relax and actually enjoy the time you have. If family isn’t nearby, consider swapping babysitting once a month with a parent friend. You and your husband could even agree on a regular, scheduled time for intimacy if that helps you, whether that’s after your son goes to bed or while he’s on a playdate. Putting that time on the calendar makes it real.

You’re doing an amazing job, Abstinent. You love your son, you love your husband, and you’re being honest about what you need. This is a season, and seasons end. As your son grows and starts school, your time will slowly become more your own. The little shadow following you everywhere right now won’t always be quite so close! Be patient with yourself, lean on your husband, and trust that it won’t always feel this hard. I promise.

You’ve got this!

Grace