How do you fall back in love with someone?

Dear Grace,

I’ve been dating this guy for almost 3 years and I feel like the spice in our relationship is gone. I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. Is there anything I can do to fall back in love with him again or is it over for us?

– Calling it Quits in Columbus

Dear Calling it Quits,

This is a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another. Long term relationships are always evolving which can be a great thing: trust (like wine and George Clooney) only gets better with time. But as we get more comfortable with each other, the rush of excitement we felt from early days of a new relationship wears off. 

Sometimes that lull in enthusiasm is temporary. And sometimes it means the relationship is over. So how can we tell the difference? 

Reflect on what’s missing. The real question I think you need to ask yourself is: Is the spark truly gone or have you all fallen out of the practice of dating each other? It may be that you two aren’t a match for the long term—or this might be a classic case of being in a rut. It’s great to have the comfort that comes from being with someone for so long, but sometimes that means we stop taking the time to do the spontaneous fun and romantic gestures we did for each other during the honeymoon phase. Take some time to think about what you miss from those early days and ask for what you need more of. If you are already doing these things but it feels like your heart just isn’t in it, then trust your gut, and consider if you’re better off in the friend zone.  

Talk to him. You can’t “fix” this relationship on your own, it takes both of you. Let him know what you’re missing, and listen to what he feels like might be missing. Try to avoid statements like “You never do [blank] anymore,” but rather frame it as “I loved it when we did [blank] and I miss it.” If you talk things through respectfully and honestly, you can come up with some possible solutions, like a weekly “Date Night,” taking a new class together, or even just device-free quality time on the couch. 

Cultivate your happiness. Is this feeling just about your relationship—or is it a symptom of how you’re feeling about life in general right now?  The longer we’re in a relationship, the easier it can be to rely on our partners for our happiness. And I say this as someone who is in the “Been There, Done That Club” myself. But while he is an important part of what brings you joy, ultimately you are responsible for building a life that makes you happy and supports your wellbeing. So, if you feel like the “spice” has gone out of more than just your relationship lately, you can take the initiative to add some flavor back. Pursue new things that interest and excite you: a new skill, a hobby group, a challenging exercise class. It’s a good way to lift your spirits and it may inspire him to do the same, starting a chain reaction that benefits you both. 

You have a few questions to ask yourself, but you’re already on the right track. I can tell by your letter that you’re putting a lot of thought into this, I’m confident you will get to the heart of what you really need. You got this!

Love, 

Grace