I have my son’s back, but what if my church doesn’t?
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Share:
Dear Grace,
I am a 56-year-old woman…I have two kids still at home. I have been divorced for 10 years now. I have an adult son with autism and my youngest will be 20 soon…my youngest was born a girl. In his junior year of high school, he announced that he was transgender. His name is Jack now and he wants to work and save up money before moving away from home. I have been supportive of him and so has most of my family.
The problem is the rest of my family who are really religious. I am a Christian myself and have not come out to my church about my son. He doesn’t attend church with me anymore. I feel like I am living a lie. Any advice?
– Very Confused in Virginia
Dear Confused,
Thank you for your question! I can tell how much you love your kids and how important your faith is to you. Feeling like you have a double life can be such a torment. You should be able to be authentically you (your son too) everywhere, all the time—not just Monday-Saturday. I can tell that not being honest about your son at church is weighing on you, but you’re nervous that sharing your truth could have consequences. Here are my thoughts on how to navigate this “living a lie” feeling:
Keep being an amazing mom.
It’s clear from your question that you are an incredible parent to all of your kids. They each know and trust that you’re there for them, come what may—that is no small feat! It also sounds like you have your hands full—running a house, taking care of your son with autism, and supporting your transgender child as he saves up to move out. I imagine there are parts of this that aren’t easy, and that’s okay. Our kids carry parts of us with them, but they are still unique individuals in their own right, and watching them grow up often challenges our assumptions about the right path for them or the people they will become. Every mom reading this (and even those who aren’t) knows that parenting is all about rolling with the punches and loving your kids no matter what. Keep it up!
Your faith is your own.
Although church communities can be amazing support systems and communities, your faith is yours and yours alone. You and your son both had individual relationships with God when he was younger and I’m sure you’ve turned to your faith for support since then. As I shared in my advice to “Conflicted in Cedar Rapids,” I tend to think that God made us all different and beautiful, and coming to know and appreciate those differences is part of the great journey of life. Ask yourself questions about what your faith really means to you and how you are living it out. Look for faith communities that share your values (this directory of churches that welcome LGTBQ+ folks may be a good place to start!).
Just because it’s right doesn’t mean it’s easy.
At the end of the day, supporting your son is the right thing to do—but that doesn’t mean it’ll be smooth sailing. Every choice has consequences, even the right ones. If your kid has asked for privacy, I know that you’ll be able to honor that. If your kid is open to you telling your religious family and church community about his gender, then you may want to be honest to get rid of that “living a lie” feeling. Sharing your experience supporting your son might result in some uncomfortable questions, strange looks, or even conflict. It may require some courageous conversations, where you have to set boundaries and teach your loved ones how to ask questions and address him politely and respectfully. Handling conflict is like a muscle—getting in shape takes time and practice—but I have no doubt that you can tackle it. You never know, your church and family may be more accepting than you expect!
Not everything is black and white, Confused. It sounds like you’re living in a gray area of loving and supporting your child while being part of a community that might not get it. But the truth is, they don’t need to “get it” in order to respect you and your son. Lean on your family, friends, and faith as your support system, and know that being a great mom to your sons is the most important part!
With Love,
Grace
