I just found out my teenage daughter has been dating a boy and lying to me about it. What do I do?

Dear Grace,

I have a 17-year-old daughter. She is a really good kid and has never given me any problems and is at home for the most part.

Recently, my daughter has been going out more, and she has been telling me she is going to meet a friend (which is fine), but I found out she has been going on dates with boys, not meeting a friend.

My heart is in my stomach. I’m not even used to her going out, let alone with a boy. We have talked about the birds and the bees, and she is super smart. But I am so afraid of one of these boys talking her into something she doesn’t want to do. We have watched the whole series on Criminal Minds, so she is well aware of the crazy world. 

I know she is growing up, but how do I ease my mind before she goes on a date? Should I get the boys’ info and make and model to their cars? The not knowing is what is killing me. What do I do? How should I handle this?

– Nerve-Wrecked Mom, Pennsylvania

Dear Nerve-Wrecked Mom,

It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed as your daughter starts dating. It’s a reminder that your baby is growing up (where does the time go!?), and yes, dating can carry real risks at any age. Not the extreme risks of a crime drama, but instead risks like a boy who doesn’t treat her well, heartbreak, or pressure to go further than she’s comfortable with. I understand why you’re worried. 

Here’s my advice for this new chapter of parenting:

Steady yourself first.

Your daughter is growing up. That’s a tough pill to swallow. But you can handle this! This new chapter may have different challenges, but nothing you can’t take on. If you find yourself spiraling about “what ifs,” take a deep breath and remind yourself you raised a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders. You’ll keep doing everything you can, as her mom, to keep her safe.

Make a plan together.

Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you’re excited that she’s dating, but that your job is to keep her safe, and you need to know where she is and who she’s with. Come up with a plan together: maybe every date starts with her sharing the boy’s name and license plate. Maybe by the third or fourth date, it’s time to meet him in person. Figure out a curfew or check-in text, and come up with consequences together now, so you’re both clear if agreements get broken

Be someone your daughter can bring her dating questions to.

You’re an amazing mom…you’ve already taught her about the birds and the bees, how to stand up for herself, and how to stay safe! Now you get to build even more trust and closeness with your daughter by being the person she can ask all of her most embarrassing questions. Let her know that she can come to you with questions about sex, and when she does, say something like “I’m so glad you came to me about this” so she knows you don’t judge her.

Be prepared to answer questions about birth control, consent, and how to tell if you’re “ready.” Remind her that no one—not a date, not even her mom—gets to decide for her. Her body is hers alone. This kind of talk might feel a little uncomfy at first, and she’s sure to blush, but over time it will get easier, it will make her feel less scared of telling you the truth, and it will bring you closer together.

I understand why this feels scary, Nerve-Wrecked Mom. Your daughter is growing up! Take a deep breath. You can do this. By talking openly with your daughter about dating and sex, and by answering all of her embarrassing questions honestly, you’ll help her make safer choices and encourage her to tell the truth. The two of you will become closer, and may even have a deeper, more honest relationship. There are sure to be lovely moments in this next chapter— after all, you get to support your daughter through her first love. It doesn’t get more special than that.

With love, 

Grace