I want to go out and do things, but all of my friends want to stay home with their husbands.

Dear Grace,

I am 67 years old and retired. My husband passed away 4 years ago.  Since then, my married friends, who are also retired, never do anything without their husbands.

I like to be active, travel, go out to eat, go to movies, etc.  How do I find women that want to do things?  Every woman I know is married and does things with their husband, or not at all. So I end up either skipping events or going by myself.

– Sometimes Lonely, Western Pennsylvania

Dear Sometimes Lonely,

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like the past four years have been a season of change for you. It makes sense that you want to prioritize spending quality time with friends and getting out into the world to do the things you love. I don’t want you to skip out on events that you want to attend, so let’s talk about how your social life can adjust to support you better.

Here’s my advice:

Talk to your married friends.

Tell them you want to schedule fun times with them without their husbands, and you get down in the dumps when you don’t get one-on-one time with them. Schedule plans with them well in advance so they can’t cancel for their hubby. A quick conversation about what you need and a little planning ahead can ensure you are getting that quality one-on-one girls time.

Connect with single or widowed women.

It makes sense that after losing your husband a few years ago, you’re ready for women friends who understand, respect, and can relate to your independence. So, let’s talk about how to make friends who get you. Here are a few suggestions for where to make friends:

• Join an in-person gathering with your local Ethel Gathering Group, by AARP to meet other women who want to get out of the house and do things.
• Join a widow support group like this one to offer your wisdom to other women and build connections.
• Try volunteering at your local Senior Center. You’ll befriend both the older women you are volunteering to help, as well as the fellow volunteers. Opt for a volunteer opportunity that is consistent (like once a week) so that you can form connections over time, unlike a one-time event.

You can also do some research yourself! I looked up “single senior events in Pennsylvania” on Meetup and found a long list of events you are meant to attend alone to meet friends! 

Strengthen your “friend-making muscle” so that even when you go somewhere alone, you still make a connection.

Finally, get in the habit of striking up conversations with people at the events you go to. Embrace the challenge of going to an event and make a goal of introducing yourself to one person. The more you do it, the easier it will get. In all likelihood, other single people are attending the same events as you. They are just waiting to meet you! The more you chat with people who share your interests, the more likely you are to make new friends who want to do what you do.

Friendships shift and change in every season. Not all of your friends will want to go to every event with you, and that’s okay. Some friends are homebodies. Some friends always want to bring their husbands. You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. Don’t let your current friends’ habits and patterns keep you from living the life you want. Tell the people you love what you want out of your relationship with them, get out and meet new people, and build up that small talk muscle. You’ve got this!

With admiration,

Grace