I stood up for my veteran coworker when he was getting bullied. Should I have kept my mouth shut?

Dear Grace,

There’s a new guy on my job site who is a veteran, and all the guys know he did two tours. They, of course, thanked him for his service, but a few days in, one guy started making fun of him, saying he has PTSD and is scared of fireworks. The other guys were laughing and going along with it. 

Now I don’t tolerate unkindness like that to anyone, much less someone who served. So I told them not to do that. As a mom of boys, I am comfortable telling men to “can it and be nice.” I didn’t think twice about it.

But later, one of the guys at work told me I shouldn’t have said that because it makes me seem too sensitive. I’m one of the only women at this job. Now I’m anxious that I should be acting differently or keeping my mouth shut.

Should I not have said anything? Should I focus on keeping my head down? I don’t want to lose my job or become the butt of their jokes.

– Anxious in Alaska

Dear Anxious in Alaska,

First of all—good for you. If I had been in your veteran coworker’s shoes, I’d be so grateful that someone spoke up for me. But I understand why you’re feeling anxious now. So many women (especially those working in industries with mostly men) have felt that same knot in their stomach after doing the right thing. When women speak out in a way that challenges the status quo, we sometimes get dismissed as “too emotional. But standing up for someone who has served, after he’s been mocked for his mental health, is not “too much.” You did the right thing.

Here is my advice on how to move forward:

Pat yourself on the back.

You said you don’t tolerate unkindness, and you proved it. Assuming a veteran has PTSD without knowing for sure is a rude stereotype. On top of that, making a joke out of someone’s mental illness isn’t just bad taste, it’s downright cruel. You knew that your coworkers were crossing a line. So you spoke up. That’s not being “too sensitive.” That’s knowing your values and standing behind them.

Doing the right thing isn’t always comfortable—but you’re brave enough to do it.

As one of the only women on that job site, you know what it feels like to be different. You know what it’s like to wonder if people see you as less than. Speaking up when you’re the only woman in the room is scary, and you aren’t the only person to second-guess yourself when the people around you start to grumble. Speaking up took guts. But the definition of brave is feeling scared and doing it anyway. Doing the right thing sometimes means taking a risk, like potentially upsetting someone or not being the most popular person at the water cooler. You were brave enough to take those risks and do the right thing anyway.

Doing the right thing has a ripple effect.

Here’s the thing about speaking up: you might not see all of the good you did right away. Your veteran coworker knows now that he can count on you. Your other coworkers know that bullying people for their mental health or veteran status is not okay with you. Some of your coworkers may have wanted to say something and didn’t. You can trust that hearing you say the words they were thinking will help them be more comfortable speaking up in the future. With just a few words, you set the tone of the workplace moving forward. Part of your value at work isn’t just the job you do—it’s the kind of person you are while you do it.

Don’t let a coworker’s rude comment dull your shine.

It sounds like the coworker who pulled you aside and told you that you were being “too sensitive” is letting stereotypes about women being “emotional” cloud his judgment. You have a good head on your shoulders. You have a career, and you’ve raised two boys. It’s not fair for him to dismiss your expertise and wisdom just like that. As frustrating as that comment must have been to hear, you and I both know that it is not the full picture of what happened. When you spoke up, you supported your co-worker, you honored your own values, and reinforced the standards for what flies in your work environment. Don’t let one grumpy guy silence you or rewrite the story of what happened. 

You know better than anyone how challenging it is to be the only woman in a workplace and speak your mind. But I’m glad you did it anyway. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, at home, at work, and when we are out in the world, and you did your part to make sure that this coworker wasn’t overlooked. Don’t keep your head down, Anxious. Hold it high. Keep speaking up for people who are being mistreated. The world needs more of it!

With admiration,

Grace