I’m afraid to get hurt again. How do I let someone new in?

Dear Grace, 

I have a boyfriend who says he loves me. But I’m afraid to let him in. I love him with all my heart but I can’t let go of what my ex put me through and my fear of getting hurt again. My new boyfriend is wonderful and nothing like my ex, how do I move on so my past doesn’t ruin my future?

– Turning Over A New Leaf in Texas

Dear Turning Over A New Leaf,

We’ve all had those bad exes—the ones who leave us with insecurities, fears, and, well, baggage. You’re in very good company here. Don’t be too hard on yourself for having reservations or feeling protective of your heart and emotions. You’ve learned from your past and are just trying to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. There are plenty of times when that little voice in our head helps protect us from harm, but it sounds like the doubt it’s whispering to you may not actually be what you need right now.

You seem confident that your current boyfriend is right for you, now you just need to convince that small voice to get on board.

Here’s what I suggest to help you regain confidence in your own judgment: 

Reflect on what you’re afraid of. It seems like your past relationship has really left you shaken, and I get that. Breakups (even the ones that we initiate) are hard and can take a while to heal from. Getting specific about what you need and what your worries are can help you manage your anxiety and move forward with your current partner. There are a number of great ways to do this. You can talk it through with a friend or therapist, or journal on what your feelings and fears are. The important thing is to be honest with yourself so you can…

Be honest with your partner. Your boyfriend sounds like a great match for you. Don’t be afraid to share your concerns with him. Being open and vulnerable, while scary, gives him the chance to show up for you, and helps you both build the trust you need for a long, healthy relationship. Plus, having a partner who responds to your needs with compassion and support will help you to let your guard down and remember that you are worthy of love and happiness. 

List the pros and cons. When in doubt, I always turn to my trusty pros and cons. Under pros, list all the ways that this relationship makes you feel loved and supported. Under cons, put down any unresolved challenges in the relationship. Let’s be clear, no relationship is perfect, so it’s okay (and healthy, even) to have a few challenges in your ‘cons’ column. Writing things down can help us see them more clearly and do away with unrealistic fears or expectations.

You deserve all the pros! And I hope that seeing a long list of them will help you trust yourself and your new partner. Because the best way to move forward is to move forward together. 

With love,

Grace