I’m worn out from taking care of anyone, but I don’t know who I am without it. How do I make time for me?

Dear Grace,

All my life, I’ve always been the one to take care of everyone else. I get really frustrated or stressed out because of this. Sometimes I complain that no one else will help around the house. When my family does offer to help (which isn’t often, don’t get me wrong…but on occasion it does happen), I just get so irritated and tell them, “never mind, it’s faster if I do it myself.”

I’m so focused on taking care of everyone else, I forget to take care of myself. It’s been so long since I have even gone to get my hair done, buy myself an outfit, or get my nails done. I used to do stuff like that to take care of myself quite often, but lately it just seems like I am so focused on everything and everyone else instead of myself.

I’m well aware that self-care should be more important…But I come from a very big family (I have eight brothers) and I’ve always been the caretaker. I miss my self-care, but on the other hand, I am the happiest when I am able to take care of someone else.  At least I think I am? Please give me your advice on what to do.

– Lonely and Confused, Columbus OH

Dear Lonely and Confused,

You are not the only one feeling this way—not by a long shot. I get hundreds of questions just like yours. All across the country, women are carrying a heavy load. Cooking, cleaning, looking after family members, remembering birthdays, picking up the pieces when something falls apart…it’s a lot. And most of the time, our efforts go unnoticed—not because no one cares, but because we’re doing the important but invisible “maintenance” work that keeps life moving.

At the same time, I get it—it feels good to be needed. To know your family relies on you. Taking care of people and having an impact on their lives is part of what gives our own lives meaning. But when you’re doing everything for everyone else and nothing for yourself, it catches up with you. I’ve felt it too.

Here are a few things that have helped me and other women like us:

Put “me time” on the calendar (and don’t cancel it!).

You wouldn’t miss a doctor’s appointment or your nephew’s football game. So don’t skip your own time to rest and recharge, either. Go get a paper calendar and a pen. Pick a time this week that’s just for you. Maybe it’s an hour in the morning before anyone wakes up, a hair appointment on the weekend, or thirty minutes with a cup of tea and no noise. Write it down on your paper calendar for your whole family to see. Don’t erase it if something comes up. That is your time.

Pass tasks off to your family—even if it’s not perfect.

Start handing off some of the work, even if it’s just small things. Ask your husband to load the dishwasher, or your daughter to help with groceries (Here’s more advice on how to have a conversation with your family about helping out around the house). And when they do it? Let it be. Don’t redo it. Don’t fuss. Just say thank you and move on. It might not be done the way you would do it, but that’s okay. They won’t learn if you always fix it. You’ve taught them how to depend on you. Now it’s time to teach them how to take care of themselves.

Practice saying a loving “no.”

This one’s hard, but important. When your family asks for help during your “you” time, you might need to say no. Not because you don’t love them—but because you’re teaching them something just as important as doing the laundry: how to respect your time and their own independence. Here are some suggestions from readers across the country on how to say “no” when a family member asks for help. Fair warning, Lonely, saying no from time to time might come with a dose of guilt when you’re getting started. Don’t let that discourage you. Remember that giving yourself the space and care that you give others doesn’t make you any less as a mother, partner, or family member. 

Think of it like this—you’re not pushing them away. You’re giving them the chance to grow. Even though it’s not easy, you’re setting an example for your family when you create boundaries and stick to them. And you’re giving yourself the space to breathe.

Know that you are more than what you do for others.

You’ve spent years taking care of everyone else. Now it’s time to take care of the woman underneath all the responsibilities. She’s still in there, and she’s allowed to want more than just rest—she’s allowed to want to be challenged, passionate, and inspired. What used to light you up, before life got so busy? Music? Crafting? Volunteering? Choose one thing you are passionate about and go seek it out, and bring it back into your life. Not for anyone else—just for you. You deserve more than being needed. You deserve to feel alive.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes many small steps over many days. But just by writing this letter, you’ve already taken the first step. That tells me you’re ready to start protecting your time, asking for help, saying “no” when you need to, and reconnecting with what brings you joy. Just like you’ve taught your family to do what’s right, you’re learning to do what’s right for you.

Being a caretaker is a beautiful gift, Lonely and Confused. But you can’t keep giving without filling your own cup. Your family loves you. They want you well. They want you whole. You’ve spent years making sure they’re okay. Now it’s your turn. 

With love and hope,

Grace