My Aunt posted something hateful on Facebook. I want to talk to her about it, but I’m not sure how?

Dear Grace,

I’m not really into politics, but my Aunt posts a lot of political stuff on Facebook. She has been posting a lot about immigrants needing to be deported, but she posted a graphic last week that took it too far. Usually, I ignore her posts, but this one was so mean and hateful and untrue that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I work at a daycare, and one of my favorite coworkers is an immigrant. She is so kind, and I love when we are scheduled together. If my coworker had seen what my Aunt posted about immigrants, it would’ve broken her heart. I feel like I should say something to my Aunt about it, but I’m not sure what because I don’t know much about political policy. What do you think?

– Worried in Western Florida

Dear Worried,

Thank you for this question. I hear from women all the time whose loved ones are saying or posting or things on social media that are “mean and hateful and untrue,” just like your Aunt. You are not alone in feeling concerned about this, and you’re also not alone in feeling unsure how to address it.

I’ve been in your shoes before, Worried, and have had to grapple with the gap between the person I know and love and the person who is sharing all kinds of mean nonsense on Facebook. Whether or not these kinds of comments feel out of character for your Aunt, you have a unique opportunity as someone she loves and trusts to reach her and get to the bottom of whatever is going on.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you prepare to talk to your Aunt:

If your gut tells you that a line has been crossed, listen.

There are two steps to putting a stop to bullying and hate. #1 is to recognize when it is happening, and #2 is to do something about it. I often hear from women who put up with all kinds of crappy behavior because they don’t trust that small voice within each of us that tells us when something is wrong. Hats off to you for trusting your gut! You clearly value kindness and compassion, and you knew in your heart when your Aunt’s post was at odds with your values. Good for you for recognizing that and for having the impulse to say something.

I have a challenge for all of you who are reading this…as women, we deal with people crossing the line a lot. Being dismissed, getting cat-called, or even experiencing inappropriate touch. What would it look like if we spoke up every time the line was crossed? How would your life change? How would the lives of other women change?

You don’t have to be an expert to do the right thing, you just have to be brave

As you said, you may not be up to date on the latest “political policies,” but you don’t have to be an expert to have strong values or to speak up for a person or group that’s being mistreated. The idea that we all have to be experts on the issues in order to care is just plain wrong and keeps regular people like you, me, your Aunt, and even your co-worker from coming together and creating real solutions. Your Aunt may not realize that what she posted was untrue and might need a thoughtful, honest conversation in order to see that she may have been swept up in the social media fever that surrounds hot-button issues these days. 

Even though your coworker didn’t see what your Aunt posted, she might have seen something similar in her feed and needs a friend to lean on. Try checking in with her to see if there is anything you can do to help. You could start by saying, “I’ve been seeing some crazy stuff on social media about immigrants. I just wanted to let you know that I love working with you. Let me know if you ever want to talk.”

Share your thoughts with your Aunt offline.

You and I both know that an argument in the comments section isn’t going to solve this, so instead, reach out to your Aunt outside of social media. You could stop by her house, give her a call, or plan to go for a walk. If you can enter in the conversation with good intentions and find common ground, she is more likely to hear you. Set some healthy expectations for yourself before you start—changing our minds on something (particularly something we’ve said publicly) can be awkward at best, downright scary and embarrassing at worst. Your Aunt may not do an about-face when it comes to her views on immigration, but any conversation in which you can each share and listen to one another is worth it. 

Start the conversation with views that you both share, for example:

• This is a complex issue, and neither of us knows everything
• We both value compassion and kindness
• We are both worried about our communities

When I was a teenager and even into my 20s, my mom sat me down a few times to tell me things I needed to hear. She would start with, “I have to tell you this because I’m your family, and nobody else will.” Thinking about your situation, I remember how hard it was to hear even truths that seem trivial now (“you need to be nicer to your siblings”), but how much the honest feedback from someone who I trust has my well-being at heart helped me grow. Part of loving our family is letting them know when they’ve crossed the line. We’re all human and we make mistakes. And the more conversations like this you have, the easier they will get. You’ve got this, Worried, I’m sending you all my love.

Good luck!

Grace

P.S. If this column feels like something you’re going through, check out more advice on how to talk about the issues in our divisive world or how to talk to someone whose political views are different than yours.