My husband’s gambling is getting out of hand, and it’s hurting both our marriage and our finances. How do I tell him he might have a problem?

Dear Grace,

My husband claims gambling is in his blood. He stopped drinking 15 years ago, which I’m very grateful for, but now he won’t stop gambling. We went through a lot before he got sober. Now with his gambling, he gets mean-tempered when he loses and his losses hurt our family’s finances. We have been together 32 years but I don’t know how to talk to him about this. What do I do?

– Tired in Georgia

Dear Tired,

I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have seen your husband get to the other side of his alcoholism only to create a similarly unhealthy relationship with gambling. Addiction is a horrible disease that can cause loving, responsible people to behave unkindly and dangerously. You are not alone in your exhaustion. Gambling addiction is on the rise in the U.S. and so many family members are struggling to figure out how to help their loved ones.

I can hear how much you care about your husband and your marriage. Like most big transformations, the best way to make a change is one small step at a time. Here are my ideas for how to talk to your husband about his gambling addiction while protecting your heart and your wallet.

Lean on your community.

As much as I know you want to support your husband, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Before having these hard conversations with your husband, let a friend know what is going on and when you plan to talk to him about it. They can help you come up with some ideas for how to remove yourself from the situation if you feel unsafe or disrespected—go for a walk, have the friend come pick you up, or go to another room in the house.

As you and your husband navigate this together, take care of your own heart by getting support from a counselor or a support group like Al-Anon. You can connect with support groups online or in your area full of folks who also have loved ones dealing with addiction. These groups offer empathy, as well as valuable resources and advice to guide you through this difficult time.

• Pro Tip: For immediate assistance, you can also call the national helpline at 1-800-662-HELP to speak with an expert. They offer a wealth of resources online for both individuals battling addiction and their families

Talk to him about addiction.

You clearly love your husband and I can tell how proud you are of him for giving up drinking. It sounds like he could be experiencing addiction again in a new form. Open a conversation with him by acknowledging the effort he put in to get sober and how much it meant to you and your family. Ask him whether his relationship with gambling feels similar to how he felt when he was drinking. If he’s open to it, learn more about gambling addiction together. 

The National Council on Problem Gambling has a quiz your husband can take to assess if he has a problem. They also have gamblers support groups, just like AA. Check out their list of resources by state, and 24/7 text and chat support. 

Addictions are often triggered by specific emotional states or situations. Identifying patterns or triggers in his gambling may help (stress, boredom, financial issues?) but lasting change often requires professional support. I do think that you are right to want to talk to him about it and share how it is impacting you. . .but remember, the decision to get help must come from him. 

Set some clear boundaries.

I can tell from your question that you already know how hard supporting a loved one through addiction can be. In a separate conversation, let your husband know how his gambling is affecting you, your family, and your life. You might start by telling him that you love him, you’re worried about him, and you’d like to set some specific boundaries to protect your marriage and your family’s finances. This could include not lying about gambling, setting limits on the amount of money he can use each month, or not talking about gambling at the dinner table. It could be challenging to set boundaries (especially about money), or uncomfortable to talk about. Try your best to stick to your boundaries and keep yourself from cleaning up his messes.

• Pro Tip: Check out this column I wrote in response to a woman’s husband who is struggling with alcoholism and being unkind to her. You can love your husband and at the same time set a clear boundary to stop him from being rude or unkind to you. You might say, “You know I love you, but if you speak to me this way, I not only can’t help you, I can’t be around you.”

Protect your family’s finances.

Relationships are all about coming together, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have independent finances. No one should hold the purse strings on your life or your decisions. . .especially not someone who is struggling with their own relationship to money. I always recommend that married women set up a separate bank account that only she can access. If you have any income or savings, having an account that is protected and YOURS ALONE will give you peace of mind in a stressful situation. Relationships are complex enough without adding financial stress to the equation. Check out more advice for keeping your credit healthy and how to protect yourself if things take a turn.

As you know, addiction is a disease, not just a matter of “deciding” to quit. At the same time, your husband is still an adult who is responsible for his behavior, and for getting the help he needs. You can’t control other people’s behavior, only your own. But with some resources, support from your community, and good solid boundaries, you can set yourself up to be a supportive partner on his journey. You both are clearly incredibly resilient and committed to one another. You got this!

Sending strength, 

Grace